The Employee You Are Looking For

Over the last several weeks, four different people have contacted me about the possibility of working for or with them. The other night, as I put on my flannel PJ’s and curled up in bed with the stuffed monkey that I sleep with, I had to laugh. Do you people have any idea what you could be getting yourselves into??!?!

Do you understand that I’m not the grown-up my age would lead most to believe that I am? And that not only do I sleep with a stuffed animal but I only quit sleeping with a light on about 18 months ago?

I don’t know my left from right. And when I don’t know what the big word you just used means, I will not hesitate to ask you. I still tie my jacket around my waist and my favorite clothing stores continue to be Aero and Old Navy.

One thing is for sure; if I were to work for you, your work day would never again be boring. When it’s snowing and you are out making sure the parking lot has been cleared, please know that I will be inside convincing the rest of your staff that making egg omelets really is a better way to spend the morning. Not only will you not be mad at me for wasting time making breakfast but you will actually thank me.

When you send me for a week of training out of state, I will be terrified to drive there alone. I will not only convince you to drive me there; I will persuade you to sit in class with me the first day. When you tell me I need to go to New York for a meeting, I will, in your words, be afraid of the unknown. You will not only drive me there but you will spend the money on an additional hotel room so that I am not afraid.

If I trust you, I will unfortunately tell you when I don’t agree with you. At some point, you may regret the lesson you taught me about coming to you, not others, when I don’t agree with you. But please know, once I’ve told you what I think, as long as it’s not immoral or illegal, I’ll do what you tell me to do and support your decision to others.

Once or twice, I may even still be as childish as I was at 25 years old, and hang up the phone while you are talking to (lecturing!?) me. If I am, please know that you will quickly recognize that you pushed me a little too hard and will send me flowers to remind me that you really do appreciate me.

I am without a doubt a leader. I will not hesitate to recruit and lead a team on a journey to provide you with birthday surprises each year… dozens of mouse traps set in your office and golf balls hidden in places you won’t find until you retire. You will need to be very careful if you go out of town for any extended period of time. While you are away, I may decide to recruit your friends to help decorate your yard with candy canes, forks, junk, and perhaps even a toilet. I will not be above getting your children involved in helping to pull off this kind of thing. I certainly will not hesitate to ask your best friend to host a picnic, immediately following the previously mentioned dirty work. When you get home to see the mess that has been created, you will, for some ridiculous reason, thank me over and over again for “thinking of you.”

The good news is that I am an extremely quick learner, very organized, and loyal to a fault. When you give me a job to do; I will most often exceed your expectations. If you can help me find ways to use all the creative energy bottled up inside of me, I will likely be one of the best employees you've ever had.

So if you think that you can learn to appreciate the life that I would most definitely bring to your work day, then perhaps you have found the employee you are looking for.